Another faux movie review.

 Tonight I’ll be reviewing Music & Lyrics, starring Hugh “I have a Hot British accent and cute blue eyes” Grant and Drew “Amy really, really wants to take a brush to your hair because you clearly refuse to” Barrymore.

 Synopsis:

Alex Fletcher (Hugh Grant) is a washed up ex-member of Pop! which is a washed up 80’s icon band. Pop! is very, very similar to the real washed up 80’s icon band Wham! and Alex Fletcher is very, very similar to washed up ex-Wham! member Andrew Ridgeley. (For those born post-1985, or for those who once lived under rocks, Andrew Ridgeley was the less flamboyant half of Wham!, the one who was not caught in the men’s restroom in a compromising position by a police officer) (or was that WITH a police officer? I can never remember) (I used to love Wham!. But I had a crush on George Michael, the flamboyant one who was with the police officer in the men’s restroom. In the 80’s, I also had crushes on: Michael Jackson (pre-creepy era), Greg Louganis, and Barry Manilow.) (I tried to deal with this in therapy once, but she said my theories surrounding this were too Freudian and Freud is no longer relevant).

Where was I? Yes. Hugh. Alex.

So Alex is a washed up 80’s pop icon who performs at high school reunions and amusement theme parks. Ladies of a certain, shall we say…age? Love him. And they love him a lot.

And why the heck not! Hugh Grant is just too cute. And he has cute blue eyes and a cute, hot British accent.

Sophie Fisher (Drew Barrymore) is a girl with a haunted past who also has a gift for rhyme, which she does all the time.

Ha! Well, look at that! I’ve got on my rhyming hat! And so I have a gift for rhyming, too! Didn’t know that, did you?! Ooh, I just did it again (and again)! Now I’m 10 for 10! Somebody stop me, stop me please! I fear I am about to sneeze!

Sorry. Moving on.

So, one day Alex is contacted by Anna Kournikova, who has given up tennis in favor of being a very Christina Aguilera-ish/Britney Spears (pre-head shaving, pre-cootchie baring, pre-bar crawling, pre-K-Fed, pre-trailer trash crazy days).

…Actually, I don’t think the actress who played the new millenium teen pop star in this movie was actually Anna Kournikova. But she looked like her. And she was very, very skinny. And had beautiful, long blonde hair. And this made me wish I had popcorn to throw at the screen. But I did not have popcorn to throw at the screen. We will discuss why I did not have popcorn to throw at the screen later. But the important point is: I wished I had popcorn to throw at the screen. And I did not.

Back to my synopsis: Faux Anna’s schtick is combining Buddhism with sex. She dances, practically naked, in front of ginormous Buddha statues, loves Eastern belly dance music, and combines all of this with hip hop/pop lyrics. 

And here’s where the plot thickens: Ten years earlier, at age 7, Faux Anna loved Pop! songs. And so Faux Anna asks Alex to write her a love song that will add even more luster to her career.

Alex, however, has this problem. He’s a brilliant MUSIC writer, but completely inept at LYRICS. (Are you having an aha! moment here and getting the premise of this movie?) (if not, wait for it…wait for it! It’ll come).

Then, in walks Sophie, who works at her sister’s weight loss center but for some reason that the movie casually glosses over (and cute movies that have no Oscar aspirations are always allowed to do this) is also working as a plant watering girl. Which seems like a fabulous job to me. Did you know there was a job called Plant Waterer? I didn’t know about this job: you go around to washed up celebrities’ New York City apartments and water their plants. I’m going to do a little research on this career and see how lucrative it is. Maybe in the mornings, I can be a Dog Walker and then in the afternoons I can be a Plant Waterer. That sounds blissfully stress-free to me at the moment.

I was never sure exactly what Sophie’s job at the weight loss center entailed, except I do know that: (1) Sophie did not need to lose weight and (2) she sometimes wrote catchy phrases for weight loss ad campaigns.

And then, through a quick series of small coincidences, Alex realizes Sophie has a gift for words and convinces her to help him write Faux Anna’s Buddha/Sex/Pop/Love Song. And she does.

And that’s my synopsis.

Now, here’s my faux review part, which is merely a series of thoughts that occurred to me as I watched the movie. With my mother. Without popcorn.

The (faux) review:

1. My mother is a poky puppy. Emphasis on poky. We can do nothing, go nowhere, on time. As we walked through the mall to get to where you buy the movie tickets, she kept saying things like: Ooh, Amy! Look at that outfit! Isn’t that sooo cute?! and Hey, do you think they have a GNC in this mall? I need some more multi-vitamins. Can we stop in there if we see one on our way? and You know, I’ve been meaning to stop in Bath & Body Works to pick up some more of that yummy lotion I got for Christmas. I’m almost out. Let’s run over there so I can see if they still have it.

Until I finally stopped, grabbed her head with both my hands and shoved my watch in her face saying, “MOM! MOTHER!!  Focus! The movie starts in one–ONE!!!–minute!” And that lit a fire under her ass. But then she was all mopey and resentful for the next 40 minutes, reminding me she was still my mother and mothers don’t deserve to have their daughters grab their heads and shove watches in their faces.

2. When we got to the box office, there was a line of a million people. Literally, a million people! Because apparently, everyone had the same thought we’d had, which was: Hey! You know what would be a fabulous way to spend President’s Day? Lunch and a movie! Let’s go!

3. And they had the same thought about getting concessions for their movies. 1 million people at the concession stands + 2 concession stand workers = I’m not good at math, but I know those numbers are NOT congruent.

That’s why I really, really wish the movie theater owners would have had THIS thought on President’s Day, which was: Hey! You know what would be a fabulous thing to do on President’s Day? Have more than 3 people working at our 20 theater movie theater today!

4. But I did attempt to stand in line anyway, patiently, knowing I’d miss the pre-movie ads and the pre-movie previews, and maybe even the very very first parts of the movie, but that would all be okay if I just had some popcorn and soda for the love of all that is holy and good. Because that’s the whole POINT of going to the movie theater: overpriced popcorn and soda. It adds to the overpriced movie theater experience.

5. Finally, after 15 minutes of standing and only moving 15 inches, I stifled a scream and left the line, saying Fuck this! under my breath, which caused the dad who’d been standing in front of me with his 8 year old girl to whip around and glare at me because I’d just used the F-word near his precious angel.

But so what! So what! His precious angel needs to learn that sometimes, people just need to mutter things like Fuck this! under their breaths so they can passive aggressively let the theater owners who aren’t anywhere near them and can’t hear them mutter the F-word but who still don’t hire enough workers on a major No School holiday KNOW how wrong they are! You know?!?! JEEZ!!!!!!!!

6. Fortunately, our theater wasn’t crowded. And everybody turned off their cell phones. Actually, there was one lady who didn’t. But it went off before the movie started and everybody glared ferociously at her in the dark, so she’d know exactly how rude we all thought she was. And our plan worked–her cell phone only rang one more time. But that was during the ending credits and so we all rolled our eyes and forgave her, telepathically reminding her to bring her movie theater manners with her next time.

7. Hugh Grant needs to start wearing more sunblock! I’m going to write his reps and let them know this: his face is beginning to have that Clint Eastwood-leathery sheen. Not that this is bad; just as wrinkles add great character to Clint’s face, they are doing the same for Hugh. But with global warming and huge holes in the ozone layer nowadays, you just can’t be too careful.

8. I like Drew Barrymore because she’s one of the less annoying actresses out there. And she always does cute films with cute characters. And that’s not bad at all, in my book. Cute is good. Cute gets your foot in lots and lots of doors.

But I do wish she would open her mouth wider when she speaks.

9. Speaking of cute, Hugh and Drew should get married and form an acting/movie team. Here’s why: they BOTH like to play cute characters, in cute films.

Drew always plays cute, quirky girls who don’t open up their mouths wide enough when speaking. And Hugh always plays cute British men who are goofy and self-deprecating in a very charming way. His British men characters always have cute blue eyes and posh English accents and they never, never kill anybody. And that’s why Drew and Hugh would make a great acting team.

Also, their names rhyme.

10. Clive Owen has cute green eyes and a posh English accent. But he does not play cute characters. He plays dark, brooding characters. And in The Bourne Identity, his character did kill people. But that didn’t make me love him less. And, thanks to Hugh Grant being in this cute movie, I got to mention Clive Owen in my faux movie review about a movie Clive wasn’t even in! Thanks, Hugh!!

11. You know what else I love about Hugh Grant besides his cute blue eyes and posh English accent? His love handles. Well, actually, Hugh Grant doesn’t have love handles. He has muscles where his love handles are. Because, in this one scene? That I could totally tell was purely gratuitous on the part of the director and so obviously stuck in there for Hugh Grant’s lady fans? Hugh is standing completely shirtless, in unbuttoned jeans. And you can tell he really works out, focusing especially on his love handles.

But in shape love handle muscles aren’t going to do Hugh any good at all if he doesn’t start putting on sunscreen!

12. This movie made me cry. If you know me well, right now you’re thinking: Amy, all movies make you cry. But listen! Here’s my theory: If I’m at a movie, and I don’t cry, clearly something is wrong with that movie. And so there was nothing wrong with this movie.

Faux movie summary:

Music & Lyrics is a happy movie. Looking back over what I’ve just written, I see the word CUTE a lot. Cute Hugh Grant. Cute Drew Barrymore. Cute, cute, cute. If cute is not your thing, then you should avoid Music & Lyrics at all costs.

But that will be sad for you. Because this movie combined my three favorite things (besides cuteness): music, words, and movies.

I liked how Alex was Music and Sophie was Lyrics, because that’s how any relationship–love, family, foe, or friend works: one person is the music, one person is the lyrics. You can’t really have one without the other. (Actually, I guess you can, if it’s classical music) (but who listens to classical music these days?) (and even if you do listen to classical music these days, don’t you think it would be so much better if Mozart or Bach had added lyrics?) (Listen! Quit trying to ruin my faux movie review with your logical thinking! Music and lyrics go together; that’s the point!)

My favorite deep philosophical theme in the movie came when Sophie compares music by The Beatles to dinner and music by silly pop boy bands to dessert.

Later in the movie, Sophie’s sister says she’ll know a man is passionate about her when he does something extraordinary for her.

And even later on, Hugh Grant’s character offers Sophie dinner and that’s the part that made me cry and made this movie good.

See the movie and that’ll make sense. But don’t go on President’s Day, or any other major holiday. Leave poky puppy mothers at home. Get lots of overpriced popcorn so you can throw it at Faux Anna. Have your telepathic mind powers ready for fellow movie goers who don’t turn off their cell phones. Don’t say the F-word in front of small children at the concession stand.

Wear sunscreen.