I’ve been in a reflective mood all day today. Also, a tad melancholy. And for once, it’s for something that is not about me. (But wait for it! Because I am sure I can MAKE it about me.)
Those of you who haven’t just met me might remember my two good friends A & K. I met A through Charles because they worked together, and then K just naturally came into the picture and before we knew it, we were all spending weekends, taking boating and mountain trips, celebrating birthdays and holidays, and suffering through football season together. (Though technically, just A and I suffered through football season together because we are simply not football fans—I’ve lost count of how many US Weekly, STAR, and PEOPLE magazines we devoured from November through January while we ignored the football games…but I do know we both easily could have started hosting our own celebrity gossip channel with our new knowledge.)(And the US WEEKLY, STAR, and PEOPLE magazines people should all post a big ass Thank You to us in the front sections of their rags for spending so much of our hard earned money on their celebrity smut.)
But now, the end is near. (And so we face the final curtain.) (Here, should I break into the rest of I DID IT MY WAY by Frank Sinatra? Because I’m really having to control myself not to.) And so A is ending the relationship and K is just devastated. There are many, many reasons why A is ending their relationship (there always are many reasons, at the end of any kind of a relationship), but I don’t want to go into the exact details as to why out of respect for their privacy.
So let’s talk about how the end of them is affecting ME. (Because I am not an expert on A & K, but I am an expert on ME.)
When the news was announced, and I realized A was very, very serious about her decision and there would be no going back, I was just grief-stricken. I felt as though someone was breaking up with me. I was thrown into a state of immediate grief and began moving through the 5 Stages of Grief.
Do you know about these?
1. DENIAL
A: Tomorrow, I’m telling K that I’m leaving her.
Me: Nooooo! Are you serious?!
A: Yes.
Me: You’re not serious!
A: Yes, I’m very serious.
Me: No way! Seriously?
A: Sigh. Seriously.
2. ANGER
A: I’m so angry at K.
Me: Do you want me to be angry at K, too?
A: No. You don’t have to be angry at K.
Me: Thank goodness! Because I don’t think I can even get angry at K.
3. BARGAINING
A: K wants us to go into counseling.
Me: Well, maybe if you go into counseling it’ll help and then you can stay together.
A: But I don’t want to stay together, Amy. It’s too late for that. I’ve tried everything I’m willing to try, and I’m just done. I just don’t want to be there anymore.
Me: Are you sure you don’t want to go talk to someone, even just for a month or two? It really might help.
A: No. Really. No.
4. DEPRESSION
Me: This is making me so, so sad, A.
A: I know. I’m sad, too.
Me: But I’m REALLY sad.
A: I know, I’m really sad, too.
Me: No. I don’t think you understand. I’m really, REALLY sad about this. So sad I feel like jumping off a cliff about it, I’m that sad.
A: Are you trying to put me in a more severe depression??
Me: Oh. No, not at all. Because this isn’t about me. Of course! Sorry.
5. ACCEPTANCE
Me: So, this is it.
A: Yup. This is it.
Me: You’re sure?
A: I’m sure.
Me: And there’s no fixing it?
A: Nope, not at this point.
Me: I’m so sad.
A: I know. Me, too.
Me and A: Sigh.
I learned a lot about the stages of grief when my dad died. Like, I learned that everyone goes through them differently. Some people move through the stages one right after another and bing, bang, boom, they’re done. Other people are more fluid and go back and forth: Denial, Bargaining, Denial, Depression, Bargaining, Depression, Depression, Denial, Depression, Acceptance. Some people get stuck for years at a stage. Some people skip whole stages: Denial straight to Depression then on to Acceptance.
Right now, I think I’m stuck at Stage Depression about A & K. Because I mean, what happens now? Who will we spend our summer weekends on the lake with? Who will read PEOPLE magazine with me during football games and snicker at all the weird Hollywood people? Who will make the good chili recipe? Who will we go to our favorite Brazilian steakhouse with? What about our favorite Mexican restaurant? I don’t think I can eat there anymore; there will be too many bittersweet memories. Will I ever see Skeeter, the fat dog with the funny bark, again? I will miss Skeeter terribly.
Who will barbeque with us? Who will help us unwrap Christmas gifts on Christmas morning? Who will be our best couple friends? Most of all, I will miss having a couple I’m best friends with.
This is why, right now, I am thinking of all our “lasts.” The last time we took a trip together. Our last pizza and a movie date at A & K’s. My last shopping spree with A & K. The Christmas last breakfast. The last PEOPLE magazine gossip session. Our last barbeque; our last summer together; the last lake outing…I’ve come to the conclusion I hate lasts; I much prefer firsts. When you get to memories that are lasts, you have to hug them to your heart and then release them forever. I hate that, letting go.
The night A told me it was over, she was very drunk. She didn’t want to go home to K, because K would want to talk and A was very tired of talking, so she stayed at our house overnight. She was crying and confused when she arrived and very, very sad. I wanted to fix it all for both of them; I wanted to make it all happy, like it used to be; I wanted to make everything be okay again. But then, nobody can do that. Some things are just not okay; some things are just not fixable; some things could not be fixed with super glue from Heaven.
I’ve always known that’s just part of the challenge of being a human being, something we sign up for when we make our way to this planet. But even so, while I know in my head these things are ultimately what make us strong and actually food for our souls and not the death sentences they feel like, my heart always wishes there was a way to make everything just be okay when it’s a big, unfixable mess. I am a mess fixer upper, to the core.
So that night, I found myself really hoping K was up on her coping skills; this was clearly an unfixable mess. But as A lay with her head on my lap and I stroked her hair and she fell asleep, I kept picturing K sitting at home alone, knowing something was horribly wrong but not exactly what, and I thought about how sad she must be, too, how big and silent their house must seem at the moment. And my heart broke when I thought about how her heart would break and how desperate she would be to save what she loves most in the world the next morning when A told her they were finished.
Who would stroke K’s hair to help her sleep that night?
The only thing I could do was to pop my two favorite movies into the DVD player, the two movies that always help me cope with all things sad, especially when those things are endings.
In LOVE ACTUALLY, Hugh “I have a hot British accent and cute blue eyes” Grant starts the movie out with these important words about a sad ending the whole world got to watch once:
Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. …When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.
(And on a side note, just so you’ll get the full experience of how ridiculously sentimental and nostalgic I am at movies, at the end of this movie? That I have seen exactly 20 babillion times because I own it on DVD and watch it at least once a month? At the part that shows all the people at the airport greeting their loved ones, I cry. Every. Single. Time.)
In HOPE FLOATS, Sandra Bullock’s character says this about endings:
Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That’s what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up.
I hope that Sandra Bullock was right, and that hope will eventually float up for K and A when they find their new beginnings. And I hope that Hugh Grant was right, that love actually is all around. Because sometimes, I think The Beatles knew it best: Love is all you need.
Even though it can’t always fix everything.
…But I also hope K will still make her good chili for us during football season and that A will still meet us for toddies at least once a week.
Because the Acceptance Stage can really be hard for me to get to. You know?
first comment?? woah . . .that’s extra pressure
1. you have 50 songs, but no Shakira??
2. you loved Menudo
3. with Ricky Martin
4. but no Shakira???
5. now to you, that’s going to be a tough one getting over an entire couple
6. it’s totally different from just two individuals, isn’t it?
7. what’s the chili recipe like?
Yeah. I know. Me, too.
Ah.
This was absolutely heartbreaking to read. I felt every word, feeling, thought… as if I was sitting there with you, everybody stroking everybody’s hair, consoling each other, looking up and saying, “Shit.”
I cry every single time in the airport scene, too. Coupla suckers, huh?
Reading this really did make me tear-up and feel all woogly.
Damn. Now I’m going to have to swish through those five stages… and re-live this same experience of sad endings that I’ve had over the years.
The worst was when my best pal, Kevin, died of AIDS. How dare he break up our happy little foursome. Nothing… was the same after that. Nothing. It had quite a ripple effect, too.
*sigh*
Take care with your sensitive self… my dear. I hope A & K can remain friends and although the dynamic of their relationship is changing, it is my sincere hope they can work through it and continue to spend time with ya’ll.
It has the potential to be, yet another, new beginning.
*hugs*
First of all, let me just get this out of the way: I am OBSESSED with “Love, Actually.” It just makes me love love all over again. One of my favorite movies EVER.
Your post reminded me of an episode of “King of Queens,” after Carrie and Doug’s best friends, Deacon and Kelly, separated. All of a sudden, Carrie and Doug felt adrift; their closest friends, with whom they did almost everything, weren’t together — which meant that they had to socialize with them separately, and things they’d always done together as couples suddenly became complicated. Doug said, “You know who divorce is really the hardest on? The friends.”
OK, so that’s not entirely accurate, but I think people underestimate how much a break-up or divorce affects the couple’s social structure. Friends — good friends — become like family, and they’re affected, too.
oh, i’m so sorry, amy. and i’m so sorry, a&k.
i am not sorry for this really beautiful line though:
“When you get to memories that are lasts, you have to hug them to your heart and then release them forever.”
i’ve had a similar situation ongoing for the past several months with 2 of my close, married friends. they have been discussing whether or not to not be married anymore. and when my friend told me they were separating and talking divorce, i cried lots. i think there are a few deaths that happen when couples we love end their relationships.
1. they have been AandK for years. Not a. and. k. AandK. essentially, you are suffering the loss of AandK. it is a loss. it really is. so i think the grief process is totally applicable.
2. you lose habits and routines. like you said, who will you go boating with and read PEOPLE with?
3. you lose a sense of security. like when my friends announced they were separating and were talking divorce, i felt really devastated, like if THEY can’t make it, then NO ONE can. i really thought they were strong and healthy together.
i bet you are a really really great mess fixer-upper, and so it must be a really helpless feeling to want to jump into action and stitch everything up, but to know that you can’t. that sucks.
i just bought love actually, last week. and i LOVE those opening words.
strong recovery to all of you, a.s.
Ohhhh…I am so sorry. I felt every bit of this as much as I felt it years ago when I went through it.
I also went through it when it was me, S&J breaking up. I had made friends with Jeff’s friends and claimed them as my own, too, and I lost them in the “divorce.” We were just boyfriend/girlfriend, but it was divorce level, if that makes sense. Because of my own self-doubt and insecurity, I assumed that they’d take his side because they were friends with him first. I only found out later that they missed me and were incredibly upset that I left them. That *I* left *them*. It was unreal to realize that they cared, that they weren’t colluding with Jeff at that moment discussing what a bitch I was. I’ve been through it myself, I’ve been through what you’re going through and every ounce of it is awful. It’s death of a friendship, of a lifestyle, of what you know. And it’s terrible for everyone involved.
I don’t know the situation, but the only thing I can offer is what I wish they would have done - realize that one of them may be insecure of where you stand and may be too much of a coward (I say that being one myself) to know that you love him or her just as much. Because I assumed they didn’t, they assumed I didn’t care, and now we’re gone from each other’s lives completely needlessly. And I miss them.
I’m a little buzzed and a little maudlin, so I hope I’m making some sense. Also, hello from Indie Bloggers.
Gord: No, no. No Shakira. I am highly jealous of Shakira. She is far too petite, with way too much cute hair, to be put on my list. But I’m glad she makes yours!
The chili recipe is awesome: it has noodles and some other stuff in it. I made some for dinner tonight, in fact. But it just wasn’t the same.
sigh
Natalie: I’m so sorry about Kevin. That’s sad. Endings ARE sad. I don’t like endings. I hope we can all stay friends, too.
Heather: I totally remember that episode now! Yes, that’s one of my favorites. That Doug Hefernen! He’s always up to something! My favorite King of Queens episode, though, is when Carrie manipulates the psychotherapist to make Doug do her bidding.
A&K are like part of our family. I think that’s why this has been so hard.
Patresa: Thanks. Your WHOLE comment made me feel much, much better.
JN: You completely made sense. gasp ….Maybe BECAUSE you were buzzed and maudlin!
And thank you for that advice–I’m trying as hard as I can to let them both know that, no matter what happens, I love both of them individually, very very deeply. I just heard from both of them today, in fact…it’s just not good.
I think all the rain and low barometric pressure we’ve had here today and re-reflecting on this situation has just depressed me!
I’m going to run over to YouTube.com and look at Clive Owen videos!
Please send our love to both A & K. Just remember that both of them need your support, but I know you get that. It made my heart hurt for K when I read the part about who would stroke her hair…. And even if the ending is sad, the beginning and the middle were worth it, right? I hope that C and I are able to make such good couple friends in the future. This was a wonderful read, and it made me want to go rent Love Actually, because I haven’t seen it. And I’m so jealous of your new car. I heart b’mers :).
(I know this is a somewhat OT follow-up, but I’ve got a crush on Kevin James. I can’t help it.)
Michele: I will. I ate dinner with both of them tonight and K is so, so sad. A is trying to be her usual, happy self, but it’s just so sad.
I’m going to come to your house soon and show you my new car! I dig it!
Heather: Kevin James cracks me UP! (Did you see him in the Will Smith movie HITCH? He’s cute, cute, cute! :-P)
what a bummer. it’s hard to be in a spot like yours — i should know, as i have created many of them. keep the faith, and do what a friend does. i don’t know what that would be, but i’m sure you’re doing it.
this all sounds like a larry david thing. not that it’s funny.
BF: I love Larry David! I bet Larry could find a way to make this funny.
I’m trying as hard as I can to be a good friend.